My eyes are sore and red, washed out by a sudden storm. Delusion and disappearing. I feel them so strongly that my whole body aches. Can you imagine your dreams and plans collapse under your feet? Your reality being hit by an unpredicted disaster? Thinking that nothing can comfort you? Consuming yourself to the point that physical pain erodes your body. Feel your chest burn and your muscles tense and trembling.
It is said that even the darkest night will end in the morning, but what if I’m stuck in the polar night? And I get only timid beams of light? Of hope. Making me build new dreams only to have them collapsed after trusting them and myself too much.
Once I lived in a midnight sun, it felt so natural, normal that I didn’t even know how lucky I was. I thought everyone receives the amount of sunshine they deserve, the sunshine they fight for… but some people chose to stay in the shadows. Sun is free, right? Well, clouds are free too… I wrongly believed that those who are determined, truthful, sincere, good hearted and work hard, sacrifice their time and personal life for the sake of their dreams, ideals, will succeed with no exception and get even more sunshine than they ever wished for…
I was so wrong. There’s no recipe to guarantee you anything. You will keep doing your best and others like you will do the same too. You will sweat and cry your nerves out, feed your hunger to make your dream come true with sleepless nights, headaches, stress and countless hours of work. You’ll renounce your social life and yourself, and feel incredibly guilty whenever you “waste time” on doing something you enjoy. You’ll force all the doors. And be obsessed with finding all the possible doors…
And still fail. Most of those doors won’t match your keys… Some will do, but still your keys won’t be enough. Your dream might be too big and in the same time too small. Ineligible. It might get into the wrong hands, not even bothering to understand it and dismiss it. Dream breakers are heartbreakers. I got my heart broken again today. I’m exhausted. Soaking into the salty humid cushion. Losing my hopes and motivation. Doubting my self worth, doubting my dream. Emptied and bitter.
And still… I know. I won’t stop. Not yet. Not until I exhaust every little beam of light and hope.
Midnight Chocolate 