Stupid. Possibly in love

I’m a grown up woman in my late twenties. After having my heart torn apart I promised myself not to fall in love again, not to let any man make me feel vulnerable. I wouldn’t admit in reality, but it happened. Again. I feel pain and jealousy. Emotions I’ve been hiding from myself. Ufff…I should better meditate and clear my mind from these negative feelings. Not writing this post. I’m scared. I’m scared as hell of suffering. I keep distance from those trying to get closer, but still got my heart tricked by someone who’s really far away… someone who seems to understand me and is always around when I need. Except from tonight. Someone with whom I’ve been sharing every stupid little thought, dream on almost daily basis in the last couple months. Why am I writing this? What is happening with me? I feel confused. I feel my heart flushed by a hurricane. Emptied and exposed. How much of these emotions can I control? How much of suffering am I creating to myself? You know, I might be suffering in my bed, while he’s having fun out there maybe with another woman. Or is it just my sick mind making stupid scenarios? He’s out. He told me. But kept all those details I was eager to find out in mystery. Like where, with whom. I didn’t ask either. My head is spinning. I just want to sleep. And wake up careless, free of any emotions… I deeply disapprove of my thoughts and emotions. A mature woman should not become under any circumstances such desperate for love. I know the theory. But it’s not enough to pass the exam. Maybe I should improve my emotional intelligence. But is it really stupid to feel this way? 

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